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LAWYER JOKES |
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January
12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come
out as a sausage.”
-- Ambrose Bierce
"A country man between two
lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”
-- Benjamin Franklin
When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with
it, there's a lawyer among the dogs.
German Proverb
A good lawyer is a bad neighbor.
French Proverb
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice.
Franklin P. Jones
Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called "inbreeding,"
from which comes idiot children and more lawyers.
Kip Lurie: Adam's Rib (1949)
Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer.
Will Rogers. |
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| A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes
he will even tell the truth.Patrick Murray |
Do as adversaries do in law, strive mightily, but eat and drink as
friends.
William Shakespeare
| Two duck hunters ran into one another early one
morning. One of them noticed that the other’s dog was
just sitting there, with absolutely no interest in retrieving
any of the fowl his master had downed. "What ‘s wrong
with your dog?" the first hunter asked. "The last
time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I had ever
seen!" "Well," the other hunter replied, "His
name is Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard
to get the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of
calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark." |
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big
shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And
he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be
in jail for contempt of court in a heart beat!"
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness
was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it
with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out
how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed
his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow
cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave
them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife was up
in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with
cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed.
"I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
| A doctor told his patient that his test results
indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months
to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't
there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry
a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest
six months of your life." |
| A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets
for a show. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him,
kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look,
and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again
felt the man's hands on his back. "Excuse me," the
lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I
sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm
a lawyer, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of
me, do you?" |
| A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary
for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. The lawyer called them
immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a retraction.
The next day, the following notice appeared: "We regret
that the report of Attorney Smith's death was in error." |
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true
they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants
for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers
and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure
is Bubba. But why are you asking?"
"Cause what
I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've
slept with?"
A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most of the articles
for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture of a rat. The man is
enthralled by the rat and takes it up to the owner to buy it. "How
much for the rat?" he asks the proprietor.
"Ten
bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the story" says the
owner.
"Keep the story, I'll just take the rat"
says the guy, who then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat
under his arm.
Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind the man and
his purchase. The further the man walked, the more rats that congregate
behind him. Eventually there are so many rats that the man becomes
afraid and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.
At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing and
milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far out into the river
as he can. Without hesitation all the rats in town jump into the river
to follow the bronze rat as it sinks to the bottom -- and all of the
rats drown.
After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his way back to the
antique store.
"Aha!" says the storeowner. "You
came back for the story about the rat."
"Nope,"
says the man. "I was just wondering if you had a bronze lawyer"
A little old lady went into the headquarters
of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind
her.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered
her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash
out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president
then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed
the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my
bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll
bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is
a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow
at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the
confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would
win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked
him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well,
Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,
so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the
matter with your lawyer?"
"Nothing,"
she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM
today, I'd have the president of this bank by the balls."
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A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from
serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them
worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the
trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused
from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took
one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that
dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor,
I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury
box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
Three doctors were standing around and started talking about which
patients were the easiest to operate on.
The first doctor says "Germans, because everything inside is
neat and orderly and always in its place."
The second doctor said "Japanese patients, because you open them
up and they all have circuit boards to interchange."
"No! No! You're both wrong", said the third doctor,"
Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They’re gutless. The
only organs they have are lips and assholes -- and those are interchangeable!"
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then
he lies on the other.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled
groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how
it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get
back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss
him!
...But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted
to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.
Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck
that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side
of the fence, so now its mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran
asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No",
replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I
am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the
reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason
he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can
sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. Ill
leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the
farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the 3 kicks law."
"Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I
get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and
are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours". Cochran
thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighbourhood and figured
he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So
the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling
over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground,
he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly
made it back to his feet. "Alright, now its my turn", said
Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can
have the duck."
How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers found a penny.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer
said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I
owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm
here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood,
and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer
looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he
asked.
Believing in predestination, a new father set out three objects on
the dining room table in preparation for his son's arrival home from
school. The first object was a $100 bill. "That represents high
finance. If he takes this, he's go into business." The second
object was a Bible. "If he takes this one, he'll be a man of
the cloth." The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey. "If
he goes for this one, he'll be a drunkard!" The father and his
wife then hid where they could see their son's approach. Soon, the
son entered the room and examined each article briefly. He then checked
to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the
money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out
of the room draining the whiskey. The father looked at his wife and
beamed, "How about that! He's going to be a lawyer!"
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth.
In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question,
and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He
tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in
pushing it in deeper into his ear.
He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of
trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to
go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date, a law student. After being informed of their problem,
their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man
told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers
up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and that his legal training prepared
him for moments such as these. The daughter brought the young
man to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's
wonderful! Isn't he smart? Do you think he will make a great lawyer?!"
The father replied, "I don’t know about that but from the
smell of his fingers, he’ll definitely be our son-in-law!"
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