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LAWYER JOKES |
“Mrs. Fink,” Said the district attorney, “after
you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to Mr. Fink, didn’t
you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?”
“I did,” the woman said calmly. “And when
was that?” “When he asked for seconds.”
Strange but True
A woman sued for injuries incurred while receiving the Holy
Spirit at a church revival meeting, when she passed out on the
floor. A few moments later another woman received the Holy Spirit
and fell on top of her, breaking three of the complainant’s
ribs.
“Are you sure my client shot him at close
range?” the lawyer asked.
“Very close range,”
said the witness. “
“Were there powder marks
on him?”
“Why do you think she shot him?”
Blatz was dying. He called for those he trusted most –
his lawyer, doctor, and clergyman. “Here’s $30,000
each. Put it in my coffin so I can try to take it with me.”
After the funeral, the clergyman said, “ I must confess
– the church needed new windows. I used $10,000 to buy
some.”
The doctor said, “The truth is, Blatz had a disease I’d
have diagnosed sooner with the latest machine, but I couldn’t
afford it. I kept $20,000 to buy one.’
The lawyer said, ‘I’m shocked. My envelope contained
my check for the full $30,000.”
Given the mercenary nature of modern divorce lawyers, the richer
person will, in the end, be the one more wronged. –
P.J. O’Rourke.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
From Actual Court Records
Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff,
is the young lady pregnant?
A: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
A truck driver saw a priest hitchhiking and pulled over. The
priest climbed in and away they went. The priest climbed in
and away they went. The driver then saw a lawyer walking down
the road, and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last
minute, remembering there was a priest there with him, he swerved,
narrowly missing the lawyer. Still, he heard an unmistakable
“THUD” as he passed. Glancing in his mirrors, he
saw nothing. “I’m sorry, Father,” he said.
‘I almost hit that lawyer.” “That’s
okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door.”
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight
minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been
there eight hours.
Be thankful for lawyers. Who else would get us out of the trouble
they got us into?
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A felon on trial is concerned about his chances. His lawyer tells
him to relax. She has a plan. First, she’ll prove to the jury
that he was in Hong Kong when the crime was committed. Then she’ll
produce doctors who’ll prove that he was temporarily insane.
She’ll pay off the witnesses. She has school chums on the jury,
and her husband’s uncle is the judge. “But, in the meantime,”
says the lawyer, “try to escape.”
From Actual Court Records
Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
A policeman, a firefighter, and a lawyer broke down on a country road.
A farmer took them in, but had only two spare beds. Someone had to
sleep in the barn. The policeman agreed, but quickly returned, saying
he couldn’t sleep. The pigs in the barn, he said, reminded him
of when cops were called pigs. The firefighters volunteered. Soon
he was back: The cows reminded of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that
started the Chicago Fire. The lawyer, desperate for sleep, gladly
took the barn. Momentarily, several indignant cows and pigs filled
into the farmhouse.
Whenever you put a man on the Supreme Court he ceases to be your friend
- Henry S Truman
He was one of those relaxed lawyers. He passed the bar ten years ago
and hasn’t passed one since.
There are more people in prison than ever before. Does that mean the
police are getting better or the lawyers are getting worse?
Shyster:
1. A crooked, conniving, small-time lawyer.
2. Any lawyer.
- Dictionary of American Slang
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their profession.
No one would build a robot to do nothing.
Walking down the street, a lawyer witnessed a car accident and rushed
to the scene. “I saw everything,” he said breathlessly.
“And I’ll take either side.”
I defended about 140 people for murder in this country and I think
in all of the cases I received just one Christmas card from all of
these defendants. – Samuel Leibowitz
Children are innocent and love justice, while most adults are wicked
and prefer mercy.
-G.K. Chesterton
Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they’re boring.
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a
barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant
answered, “No, we won.”
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor
of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said,
"Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you
be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of
course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service:
$150.
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed
home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted,
“I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why,
I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed
that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution.
This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought,
"Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research
you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like
to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show
that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once
a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir,
I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's
husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means
of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly
sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother
broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have
any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry
sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people!
I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles
on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad.
Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.”
“I don’t
believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s
true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated
personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost
of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill
was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer
simply forgave the difference.”
After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was
considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might
be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s
activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk.
His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a
lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped
to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough-hewn
man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing.
He said,
“Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm
on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops
and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them
and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and
the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has
died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the
cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In
short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take
your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was
obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I own
a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked
for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including
some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised
on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they
are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are
in dispute over who owns the cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take
your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express
his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law, but
it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows.”
“DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” the lawyer said.
“The cows will be ours!”
Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children.
The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new
artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”
The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed
a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely
no pollution.”
“That is nothing,” replied
the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting
system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the
golf course!”
"I'm beginning to think that my
lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why
do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill:
'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."
When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered,
"A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit,
I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
How lawyers do it...
Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q: Did he kill you?
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