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LAWYER JOKES |
A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer’s
cows, and believed they would be his when the farmer died. Now
the farmer’s son claimed ownership.
“I’ll
take your case,” said the lawyer. ‘Don’t worry
about the cows.”
The next day the farmer’s son came in. The cows were raised
on his land, he said. They should be his .
“I’ll
take your case,” said the lawyer “Don’t worry
about the cows.
Later, his secretary asked, “How can the cows belong to
both?”
‘Don’t worry about the cows,”
the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours.”
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing
referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid for a longer fight.
From Actual Court Records
Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor
child.
A: I’m his mother.
Q: And you have been so all of his life?
A doctor, a lawyer, a boy, and a priest were on a plane with
engine trouble. When the plane started to go down, the pilot
grabbed a parachute, yelled, “Jump!” and bailed
out. Unfortunately, only three parachutes remained. Taking one,
the doctor, “I save lives, so I must live,” and
jumped. The lawyer followed suit, announcing, “I’m
a brilliant attorney – I deserve to live!” The priest
said to the boy, “Son, your whole life is ahead of you.
You go.” “Not to worry, Father,” said the
boy. “Mr. Brilliant just took off with my backpack.”
Some military buffs, discussing a successful battle with an
army general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.
“We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front,”
the general told them.” ‘It consisted entirely of
lawyers. When the time came to charge – boy, did they
know how to charge!”
A lawyer’s wife was unhappy with her home. The furniture
was old and dirty, the drapes torn, and the carpet worn nearly
bare. She demanded a complete redecorating. “Look, sweetheart,”
the lawyer said, ‘I just got a new divorce case today.
As soon as I break up their home, we’ll start fixing up
ours.”
Doctors purge the body, preachers the conscience, lawyers the
purse.
– German proverb
A happy death is better than a lawsuit.
–
Spanish proverb
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A brilliant lawyer can look at a contract and in less than a minute
tell whether it’s oral or written.
A man and a woman were considering a divorce until they discovered
the cost of the lawyers. Then they decided to put in a new swimming
pool instead.
A lawyer must first get on, then get honor, then get honest.
– Anonymous
A judge is someone who ends a sentence with a sentence.
He’s a wonderful lawyer. So tenacious. One of his clients was
hanged but even then he didn’t give up. He sued for whiplash.
The animals are not so stupid as is thought: They have no lawyers.
– Anonymous
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer’s office. “Is
it true,” said the priest, “that your firm does not charge
members of the clergy?” “I’m afraid you’re
misinformed,” said the lawyer. “People in your profession
can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have
to take ours in this one.”
A judge is a law student who marks his own papers.
–
H.L. Mencken
Their marriage broke up so fast that the two figures on their wedding
cake were lawyers.
The case has been going on for so long that I’ve forgotten whether
I’m really innocent or guilty.
– Ashleigh Brilliant.
A lawyer’s job is to manipulate the skeletons in other people’s
closets.
– Sol Stein.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer lets a case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes
it last even longer.
A court is a place where what was confused before becomes more unsettled
than ever.
– Henry Waldorf Francis.
The judicious process is like cow. The public is gored on its horns,
the government has it by the tail, and the lawyers are milking it.
A law office was held up recently. The stickup man lost $500.
Lawyers like to leave no stone unturned, provided they can charge
by the stone.
– Deborah L. Rhode
She’s not good with legal terms. She’s always hurt when
she’s not invited to the party of the first part.
No! No! Sentence first – verdict afterwards –
Lewis Carroll
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I
can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll
increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients
will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year
and live to be 100. All I require in return is that the souls of your
wife, your children, and your grandchildren rot in hell for eternity.”
The lawyer though for a moment, then said, “What’s the
catch?”
After her motion was denied, the attorney spoke up. “Your Honor,”
she said, “What would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate,
old fool?” “I would hold you in contempt of court and
seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again,’
said the judge. “What if I only thought it?” asked the
attorney. “In that case, there is nothing I could do –
you have the right to think whatever you may.” “Then,
if it pleases the court, let the record show that I think you’re
a stupid, degenerate, old fool.”
Men are generally more law-abiding than women…Women have a feeling
that since they didn’t make the rules, the rules have nothing
to do with them. – Diane Johnson.
A judge was questioning potential jurors for an upcoming trial. “Is
there any reason why any of you cannot see this trial through to its
conclusion?” “I can’t”!” one woman said.
“Why, just looking at the woman, I’m convinced she’s
guilty!”, “Madam,” said the judge, “that’s
the prosecutor.”
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. –
Oscar Wilde
“My lawyer is so bad,” she said,
“that if I ever have to plead insanity, he’ll be Exhibit
A.”
“Why did you shoot your husband with a bow
and arrow?” the prosecutor asked the defendant. ‘I didn’t
want to wake the children.”
Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule the law.
– Oliver Goldsmith
NASA was interviewing professionals for a tough, one way mission to
Mars. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how
much she wanted in compensation. “One million dollars,”
she answered, “I’d donate it all to my alma mater.”
“Two million,’ said the next, a doctor. “I want
to give a million to my family and the rest to medical research.”
“Three million dollars,” said the next, a lawyer. “Why
so much?” the interviewer asked. “I’ll give you
one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.
Law is the second oldest profession.
– Anonymous
An attorney was painting his house, when a man approached and asked
whether he could earn a few dollars. The attorney thought for a minute.
“Sure,’ he said. “Take this can of paint, go around
back and paint my porch.” An hour later the man returned. “Finished
already?” the lawyer asked. “Yeah,” the man said.
“But it’s not a Porch, it’s a Mercedes.”
The truth shall make you free - unless you’re a criminal. In
which case, the courts shall make you free.
The funeral possession included two hearses and a man walking a dog.
Several hundred people followed the man. Curious, a pedestrian approached
the man. “The first hearse carries my ex-wife’s lawyer,”
the man explained. “My dog bit him and he died two days later.
The second hearse has the lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation.
He met the same fate.” The pedestrian thought a moment, then
asked, “Could I borrow your dog?” “Okay by me, but
you’re gonna have to wait for your turn like these other folks.”
Some lawyers work on a contingency basis. That’s an old gold-mining
term meaning they get the gold and their clients get the shaft.
In the old days, if a neighbour’s apples fell into your yard,
you worked it out over the back fence or picked them up and made pies.
Today, you sue. – Lee Iacocca
The defendant, acting as his own counsel, was frequently reprimanded
by the judge for badgering the witness. Finally he closed with one
last question. “You really don’t like the defendant, do
you?” “I really don’t know anything about the defendant,”
said the witness. “But I have taken a strong dislike to his
attorney.”
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case
involved a man charged with drunk driving, who claimed it simply wasn’t
true. “I’m as sober as you are, Your Honor,” the
man claimed. The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty
plea. The defendant is sentenced to thirty days.”
(A courtroom is) a place where they dispense with justice. –
Arthur Train
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won
the case, and got my tuition fee back. –
Fred Allen
After a head-on collison, fire-fighters and paramedics frantically
worked to extract an attorney from his demolished car. ‘Oh,
my Mercedes, my poor Mercedes,” the attorney repeated through
his pain. ‘Look, fella,” said a parademic. “Quit
worrying so much about your car – your arm’s in pretty
bad shape here.” The attorney looked down at his mangled arm
and whimpered, “Oh, my Rolex, my poor Rolex.”
He’s a bit slow. When she said she was worried about the makeup
of the Supreme Court, he wasn’t aware that they wore any.
A lawsuit is a fruit tree planted in a lawyer’s garden. –
Italian proverb
A woman needed legal advice. “Where can I find a good lawyer?”
she asked a friend. The friend thought a moment. “Have you tried
the cemetery?”
The lawyer read the will and all the codicils that left money to members
of the family. Finally, he read the last codicil: “And to my
secretary, Miss Ritter, whom I promised to remember even though she
resisted all of my advances – Hi there, Miss Ritter!”
The difficult task, after one learns how to think like a lawyer, is
relearning how to write like a human being. - Floyd Abrams
He was a brilliant attorney. The other day he got a parking ticket
reduced to second-degree manslaughter.
The study of law is to learn how not to get into trouble with it.
– Yip Weng
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