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LAWYER JOKES |
This is my compilation of Lawyer jokes. I am sure you will have
a good time reading them. If you know of any good lawyer jokes,
let me know. In the meantime, enjoy…
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid
with crisp, a new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer
found that two bills had stuck together and he’d been
overpaid by $100. “This is a real ethical dilemma”,
the lawyer said to himself. “ Should I tell my partner?”
The thing to fear is not the law, but the judge.
– Russian proverb
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared
the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send
the judge a box of Havana cigars. “The judge is an honourable
man”, the horrified partner exclaimed. If you do, I guarantee
you’ll lose the case!” The judge eventually ruled
in favor of the young lawyer’s client. “ Aren’t
you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior
partner asked. “I did send them,” the lawyer said.
“I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”
After hearing all the evidence in a divorce proceeding, the
judge said to the wife, “ I’m going to give you
$600 a month alimony.” The husband jumped up and said,
“I tell you what, Your Honor I’ll throw in a couple
of bucks myself.”
A lawyer and a wagon wheel must be well greased. –
German proverb |
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JUDGE: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
DEFENDANT: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny.
She began to get suspicious of the contract when she saw that the
first paragraph forbade her from reading any of the others.
Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit. –
Addison Mizner
Of course there’s a different law for the rich and the poor;
otherwise, who would go into business?
– E. Ralph Stewart
Most lawyers practice because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling.
You give them a grand and they feel glorious.
Only a lawyer could write documents with more than 10,000 words and
call them “briefs.”
Justice is being allowed to do whatever I like. Injustice is whatever
prevents my doing so.
– Samuel Butler
Dictum is what a court thinks but is afraid to decide.
– Henry Waldorf Francis
Strange but true
A job seeker’s resume included this nugget: “Failed bar
exam with relatively high grades.”
Trial courts seek the truth and appellate courts seek error.
– Anonymous
Paternity suit: What happens when you leave the scene of an accident
JUDGE: Do I understand that you’re trying to show contempt for
this court?
LAWYER: No, Your Honor. I’m trying to hide it.
He never graduated from law school. He was so smart, he settled out
of class.
A charity received nothing from the city’s most successful lawyer.
Irritated, the administrator phoned him. “We know you do very
well, and yet you’ve not given a dime to this charity.”
“Do you also know about my mother’s exorbitant medical
bills?” the lawyer asked. “or that my brother is blind
and in a wheelchair? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving
her penniless with three children?” “I’m sorry,”
the administrator said. “I didn’t realize…”
“Well,” said the lawyer, “I don’t give money
to them. Why should I give you any?”
“Why are
all the blinds drawn, doctor?” the lawyer asked, slowly emerging
from anesthesia. “There’s a big fire across the street,”
the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation
had been a failure.”
He only handles personal injury cases. To him, justice doesn’t
wear a blindfold - it wears a bandage.
From Actual Court Records
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
PETER: My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do?
JOHNNY: He’s a lawyer.
PETER: Honest?
JOHNNY: No, just the regular kind.
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with
guns.
– Mario Puzo
Law is the crystallized prejudices of the community.
– Anonymous
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched
during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And in the end, they
screw up everything forever.
When a lawyer says he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is
that after he bill you, you will find it difficult to get back on
your feet.
For a good time, hire a hooker. For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
– Prison graffiti.
Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the
law before the criminal gets arrested?
A: An accomplice.
Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the
law after the criminal gets arrested?
A: A lawyer.
Q: The Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, an old drunk, and an honest
lawyer are walking down the street together when they simultaneously
spot a $100 bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical.
A man was sent to hell for his earthly transgressions. As he was being
led to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer
was in intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.
“Wait a minute,’ the man protested to his demon escort.
“I have to roast for all eternity, and someone else gets that?”
The demon jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who
are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
May your life be filled with lawyers.
– Mexican curse
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