This is my compilation of Lawyer jokes. I am sure you will have a good time reading them. If you know of any good lawyer jokes, let me know. In the meantime, enjoy…
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services.Law jokes Man paid with crisp, a new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer found that two bills had stuck together and he’d been overpaid by $100. “This is a real ethical dilemma”, the lawyer said to himself. “ Should I tell my partner?”
The thing to fear is not the law, but the judge.
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. “The judge is an honourable man”, the horrified partner exclaimed. If you do, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer’s client. “ Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “I did send them,” the lawyer said. “I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”
After hearing all the evidence in a divorce proceeding, the judge said to the wife, “ I’m going to give you $600 a month alimony.” The husband jumped up and said, “I tell you what, Your Honor I’ll throw in a couple of bucks myself.”
A lawyer and a wagon wheel must be well greased.
JUDGE: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
DEFENDANT: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny.
She began to get suspicious of the contract when she saw that the first paragraph forbade her from reading any of the others.
Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.
Of course there’s a different law for the rich and the poor; otherwise, who would go into business?
Most lawyers practice because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand and they feel glorious.
Only a lawyer could write documents with more than 10,000 words and call them “briefs.”
Justice is being allowed to do whatever I like. Injustice is whatever prevents my doing so.
Dictum is what a court thinks but is afraid to decide.
Strange but true
A job seeker’s resume included this nugget: “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
Trial courts seek the truth and appellate courts seek error.
Paternity suit: What happens when you leave the scene of an accident
JUDGE: Do I understand that you’re trying to show contempt for this court?
LAWYER: No, Your Honor. I’m trying to hide it.
He never graduated from law school. He was so smart, he settled out of class.
A charity received nothing from the city’s most successful lawyer. Irritated, the administrator phoned him. “We know you do very well, and yet you’ve not given a dime to this charity.”
“Do you also know about my mother’s exorbitant medical bills?” the lawyer asked. “or that my brother is blind and in a wheelchair? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her penniless with three children?” “I’m sorry,” the administrator said. “I didn’t realize…” “Well,” said the lawyer, “I don’t give money to them. Why should I give you any?”
“Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?” the lawyer asked, slowly emerging from anesthesia. “There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
He only handles personal injury cases. To him, justice doesn’t wear a blindfold - it wears a bandage.
From Actual Court Records
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
PETER: My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do?
JOHNNY: He’s a lawyer.
JOHNNY: No, just the regular kind.
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.
Law is the crystallized prejudices of the community.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And in the end, they screw up everything forever.
When a lawyer says he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bill you, you will find it difficult to get back on your feet.
For a good time, hire a hooker. For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
A: An accomplice.
Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?
A: A lawyer.
Q: The Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, an old drunk, and an honest lawyer are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical.
A man was sent to hell for his earthly transgressions. As he was being led to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was in intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.
“Wait a minute,’ the man protested to his demon escort. “I have to roast for all eternity, and someone else gets that?”
The demon jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
May your life be filled with lawyers.